That Space/Time Continuum Thing

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Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go back in time? I mean of your own personal history, not like in Blackadder or every episode of Dr Who.

If you were given the chance, would you do it?

I've been pondering this on and off for the past week or so and wondering if it actually is possible to do, and if given the chance, I actually would do it.

I've heard people say that there are various dimensions or 'planes' and the one we're currently on is the physical, or something like that. It makes me wonder if there is some kind of alternate universe where our past exists playing reruns and if we can find a way to access it, we can go back in time to a certain point and redo things. It'd be kinda cool to do so and not necessarily have it affect our current lives. To relive a particular point where we say that thing we'd always kicked ourselves for not saying, buy that thing we'd always eyed but figured it would be there next time. Whatever the reason.

It's funny, in the kinda sad sorta way, that the person I most wanted to be during my youth is the person that I am now. Sure it's happened the way it has for a reason that I'm semi sure of, but it doesn't stop me from wondering what it would be like to go back to a particular day in my past.

I'm guessing we've all seen some movie or TV show where the characters have gone back in time so there's a younger version of themselves that they need to keep an eye out for, for fear that doing one thing different could cause a ripple effect and change everything about their lives as they became.

Knowing the kind of person I was as a teenager, it would be close to impossible to do the things I do now without going through and learning the things I had to in order to get to that point.

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As a teenager I was a quiet, polite and seemingly shy person who was made to feel insecure not just by peers but by parental figures, namely my mother.

As an adult who's been out of home for 4 years, changed jobs 2-3 times since graduating and completed a year of university education, needless to say, a fair bit has changed in all areas of my life.

Knowing what I know now though, would it be worth the risk to change everything that I've learnt? If I were able to go back in time, would I still have all the memories and experiences I've acquired or would I be the exact same person I was at that particular time and just looking in as if it was my own personal TV show?

When I really think about it, I imagine going back to a certain period in high school, confronting people that I always wanted to but didn't have the guts to for fear of what my parents would say. I'd stand up for myself and believe that I truly deserved better because that's what I've come to learn and fully appreciate.

I'd stick it to my crush and disentangle myself from his thrall that he almost seemed to enjoy having me under at various points. I'd tell my best friend to get real and be honest about things I knew she was hiding and taking out on me, I'd also demand a better friendship and terms of treatment because doormat and punching bag weren't working for me anymore. I'd confront the guy that liked me, maybe tease him a little as an icebreaker and see what happens after that. Plus it'd be kinda fun if I went back in time and still retained all my knowledge to play psychic and see what comes of it.

I'd learn to appreciate my family more knowing how much things change in the future. Granted as a teenager with a semi dysfunctional family, appreciating them is one of the last things on my mind, the first being get out alive!

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How much would my experienced attitudes affect the future though? I know that everything can change in an instant and in some ways we're following a script without realising it. If you went back in time you'd be following the storyline of that particular era with limited information available and presumably trying not to out yourself for fear of changing the future. But what if it's meant to be changed? One might say if that were the case then the opportunity would present itself and the technology would most likely be available to do so.

For now it all seems like a crazy fantasy, a pipe-dream to keep me entertained until uni starts back and I feel more fulfilled and happier with my life knowing that I'm doing something meaningful that really makes me happy.

Seriously though, if you had a chance to go back in time and change something or just do something differently, would you? Bearing in mind where not doing that thing has brought you today. Would it really be worth the risk?

Wonderment aside, I really believe that everyone is exactly where they need to be. As much as I'd like to undo the wrongs that I perceived to be done against me, without them I probably wouldn't be where I am today or on the life's mission I'm following and I don't think that would be fair.

I also believe that karma is real and if something is meant to happen, it will be, maybe just not in the way you expect it to.

What say you?

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Shouldn't, Wouldn't, Couldn't, But Did!

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You know when you tell yourself you're not going to do something, and you resist temptation for as long as you can until you finally cave? Whether it's putting something off until the absolute last minute, eating the chocolate just when you've started your diet, stalking your ex and their new partner on social media, getting back with someone you know is more of a hindrance than a help, or in extreme cases, killing your neighbour's annoying pet or something.

Before you do anything, you tell yourself, or make a promise that you won't do whatever it is that you're stopping yourself from doing because you know it's not good for you to do. You pride yourself on every time you realize that you haven't done that particular thing and focus on how good you feel for it and how good you'll continue to feel for not having done it. And then you go and do it.

In my experience, this usually happens when you're bored, tired, or maybe feeling a little bit low towards yourself. You use it as a pick me up in a way to justify how you feel and why you're doing it and tell yourself you won't do it again once you get it out of your system.

You know and are fully aware the full time your doing the 'forbidden' thing that you really shouldn't be, but you keep going anyway until you're satisfied that you've done enough of said thing to make yourself feel better, or perhaps you get sprung by the person who you hold accountable for making sure you don't do that thing you said you wouldn't.

Like a LOT of people, my thing was (and occasionally still is) Facebook/internet stalking. I find defense in saying there are people out there who are worse than me, although it doesn't really seem like the greatest justification, but it kind of makes it seem less of a big deal when you know that other people do it to even if they don't admit to it.

In the bigger scheme of things, I know it's really not that big of a deal. It doesn't hurt anyone, no harm, no foul, whatever. But I guess that's the thing, it hurts me! Without even realizing I'm hurting myself. I'm giving myself the message that it's okay to stoop to the person that I was after all the effort I've put in to not doing it. It's saying to myself, 'I can't do better and here's proof!'. I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes you need to get real and honest with yourself if you're going to make the commitment to really improve.

I'm incredibly fortunate that I have such a great support group around me, but more so that I'm honest about things, especially when they bother me. When I admit to my friends or therapist that I've been Facebook stalking someone/s, they won't tell me how bad I am, not will they encourage the behavior, they either sympathize or ask me what it was I was looking to get from it and how I might be more productive in future instead of repeating it.

I used to spent hours on end Facebook/internet stalking certain people, I wasn't by any means proud of it, but everyone else's lives always seemed insanely more interesting than mine was and by going through their posts, status', photos and whatever else I could find, it was like peering through their front door and seeing the awesome house they had and desperately wishing I could be part of it. It was my escape when I couldn't find one anywhere else.

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I've since found myself in a position where I actually have a life of my own. I'm keeping busy, for the most part I'm happy with how things are and actually spending less time of Facebook because of it. It's kind of freeing in a way. While it's nice to share with everyone in your friend group what's happening in your life all at once, it's also nice to get away from it and revel in non-technological things and the amazingness of life when you detach yourself.

I've found over time that Facebook is simultaneously boring and addictive. You log in thinking there will be nothing to do and you'll log straight back out moments later. Then that moment turns into an hour, which then turns into a few hours and next think you know you've wasted almost an entire day, maybe even more.

Whenever I do find myself typing in the name of someone to view their profile even though my gut tells me I shouldn't, I tell myself if I spend less than a few seconds on it, it doesn't count. I suppose logically it doesn't, but when you have to convince yourself that it's an acceptable excuse or that you even need one, you know it's a bad thing to do.

Sometimes it's out of curiosity for someone I used to know and wonder what they're doing with their life since I saw them last. This on occasion leads to unhealthy comparisons, either they have a way more exciting life than I do despite my efforts, or I'm not so much better than they are. Neither are particularly helpful for me to think.

Other times when I'm over-thinking as I've been known to do quite a lot, I'll go on a bender of sorts. Start with one person, go through some of their friends, maybe their family, and just keep going until I get tired, bored or just decide that I really need to stop and wallow in immense shame for having gone so far and use that as motivation to not doing it again for as long as possible. I find it does help.

I'm definitely not, nor have I ever been proud of my internet stalking habits, maybe only in complete jest, but never in earnest. When I used to do it intensely, it was an escape. I knew why I did it which somehow made it okay to do it when there was very little other positive alternatives to what I was going through at the time.

When I do it now it feels like I've broken some kind of promise to myself. Like I'm telling myself I'm still not good enough so I need to rely on other people's profiles to make me feel better, as crazy as it sounds. When I think about the people I've stalked religiously over the years, I realize how pathetic it was and how much time I wasted, but since time was all I had it didn't seem to matter how I was spending it, so long as I was.

The good news though, is that much like a recovering anything-aholic I'm doing better. I'm putting in the effort and at times when I feel myself about relapse I'll log off or immediately force myself to do something else. I don't claim perfection though. I am a mere human being after all. I have my good days where I don't even think about it, but then I have my bingey 'gimme a tub of Ben and Jerry's and leave me be' days. I think everyone does. But I'm also really good at making myself feel guilty for things, sometimes a little too much, but I feel the need to practice tough love towards myself at times in order to achieve what it is I really want to and push myself that little bit further.

One of my close friends has told me quite a few times to stop being so hard on myself. I know she's right and I should just be proud and happy with where I'm at and how far I've come, but I still want so much more and so much better for myself that I can't help it.

At the end of the day, when it comes to online stalking, and really anything else I've mentioned above (whatever makes most sense/is applicable to you) I know I shouldn't do it, I wouldn't if I had something better/more exciting to do or maybe more self-control, and probably couldn't do it if my self-worth/esteem/love levels were a bit higher or maybe I wasn't human, but I did anyway!

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