The Culture of Rape

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Culture: 

1. the beliefs, customs, arts, etc., of a particular society, group, place, or time
2. a particular society that has its own beliefs, ways of life, art, etc.
3. a way of thinking, behaving, or working that exists in a place or organization (such as a business)

Rape: 

1. an act or instance of robbing or despoiling or carrying away a person by force
2. unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent
3. an outrageous violation

Does it bother anyone else that we're joining the two?

I'm as aware as the next person that rape occurs worldwide in a whole host of different situations and scenarios. I'm also incredibly aware that it shouldn't. Period.

I get the feeling or rather the message that's being sent by there even being a 'rape culture' is that it's permitting it to happen and continue happening. It's not okay that it's happening, but since it is, it may as well be glamorized in the way that 'party culture' is, right?!

I completely understand how sensitive a subject it is for a lot of people. You don't need to be personally affected by it or know someone that has been in order to feel sensitive towards it. 

Whenever I'd heard the word used, it's made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, regardless of the context that it's in. But I think for a lot of people, it's a common feeling, so it ends up just not being talked about when it really should, and not be attached to a 'culture' of any kind that would appear to be accepting or even promoting (however passively) it's existence.

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During a discussion in one of my Philosophy tutorials this semester, there was talk about freedom and if viewing pornography was a breach of that. While people have the right to view pretty much anything they can get access to, the question was around the freedom or rights of those taking part in the filming of it.

One of my classmates pointed out that when it comes to shows like Game of Thrones, where nudity and the like are all part of it, it is expected that people can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Another classmate argued in response that ill-educated people could easily watch Game of Thrones or even just porn, then go out into the world genuinely believing that this kind of behaviour was commonplace and acceptable.

A different classmate pointed out to the first that a lot of women are still terrified to walk around alone at night, and there's emphasis on walking in pairs. Why are the women talk to protect themselves when there doesn't appear to be any courses or part of the school curriculum that tells males that they can't just put their penis in wherever they want. If there's no consent, if the person says yes then changes their mind at any point, no means no!

It should also be pointed out that rape isn't only male to female. This is something that I'm sure a lot of people aren't or weren't aware of. I know I wasn't until I heard a statistic about it several years ago.

While the cases are significantly less, they're still significant.

There's also something to be said for the false accusations of rape. This is not okay either. Accusing someone of something out of spite or jealousy or whatever motives you have not only makes a mockery of those who've actually experienced sexual assault, but it creates emotional and financial distress for the accused. This may be what was intended by the accuser, but there are doubtless other things to spend time, money and energy on, rather than trying to ruin people's lives and reputations.

Going back to the ill-education argument, I was watching Murder by Numbers the other night, and the janitor was watching what was presumed to be porn based on the sounds being emitted from the TV. As he got up to check something for the guy he was selling drugs to (played by Ryan Gosling, in case anyone's interested), he made an offhanded comment about how the sounds the woman was making as she was being spanked indicated her enjoyment of it. "Look at her, she's loving it!" he said.

If the only things an adolescent or even mature male knows about sex and women is limited to what he's seen in porn, it explains a LOT, but it most definitely does not excuse his actions!

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For those of you who can't fathom how a person's knowledge of the outside world can be limited to only what they've seen on a screen, this is essentially how I grew up. Aside from my lived experiences in high school, I understood the general idea of it to be exactly what I'd seen in TV shows and movies, nothing more, nothing less. I went to a religious private school in a semi-rural area where the only public transport I ever saw was the odd taxi, but even that was a rare occurrence. I also attended church every Sunday and dance class on a Friday for 45 minutes. 

When you combine all of that, there's really not a lot of real-life external influences to broaden my perception and understanding of the world. I didn't associate with anyone else outside of these areas and was too scared to even try since the fear of the unholy and unknown had been drummed into me from an early age.

That has changed significantly for me not only since finishing school and pursuing further education, but by moving homes twice after the age of 21 and gaining employment in an industry where I have to engage with people on a daily basis.

Bringing this back to point, I'm sure everyone has heard of the Stanford rapist story by now, as well as the open letter the victim wrote about her harrowing experience. As you read through, you become incredibly aware of how the perpetrator seems to be incapable of taking responsibility for his actions or how they've impacted the victim. He continually blames alcohol and the 'party culture' for what he did, even though the numerous readers throughout the world have pointed out that they've been completely drunk or at parties and managed to not sexually assault someone whilst under the influence.

'Rape culture' always tends to focus on women and how they were 'asking for it' or as with porn and what Brock mentioned in his statement 'she loved it'. 

Unless a woman who is in full control of her cognitive functions and aware of her surroundings (not under the influence of alcohol or any other substances) actually says that she wants to have sex with you and doesn't change her mind or lose consciousness at any point during the act, do not have sex with her. 

She's not asking for it. She's not loving it and you should not proceed.

It doesn't matter what she was wearing, what she was doing, saying or thinking, where she was or why she was there. If she did not consent, she doesn't want sex, regardless of what your genitalia is telling you or what it is that you want. 

She is a person, not a thing, not a piece of meat, a person and she should be treated with nothing less than the respect a person deserves.

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Feminist is I

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Feminist. It's such a dirty word isn't it?!

As soon as you say it or claim to be one there's a hush around the people nearby as if you've just admitted to some heinous crime. Males start flaring their nostrils and preparing for war because you've just said one of the most hated words in their particular dialect.

I jest of course. But really, what does being a feminist mean?

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With Emma Watson's speech from last year inviting people from all around the world to join the #HeForShe movement and claim that they are feminists, there's a continued debate amongst people as to what exactly it means to be one and how it has an impact on today's society.

There's several anti-feminist women's groups which completely baffle feminists and a lot of women in general saying if it weren't for feminism, we wouldn't have come as far as we have.

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I was discussing this with a close friend of mine ages ago when we were talking about makeup and other girly things. I told her I was torn between my need to oppose the beauty industry and everything it stands for, but at the same time I saw it as a rite of passage to wear makeup, especially in my 20's.

She told me that feminism means whatever you want it to mean. Ultimately it means equality for all, recognizing that women are people not objects like the media has portrayed and led us to believe over the years.

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For me, feminism means being able to be comfortable in my own skin, my own clothes, my own life, without thinking or feeling like I owe anyone, least of all a male for everything that I have or that I've achieved.

In the religious society I grew up in, it seemed the message was the complete opposite. So often I heard or was told 'Wives, submit to your husbands'. The example of that for me was mum doing everything she could for my dad, and him just being happy with it that way. From the outside it seemed all give all the time and there was no reciprocation involved, well none that I actively saw.

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In my household, mum believed that she had to be the dutiful wife and mother that hers was before her, even if that meant putting herself last in everything and not complaining about it because that's what she was taught.

My brother seemed to take full advantage of this and didn't oppose to her doing his laundry or cleaning up after him even though she told him off for it time and time again.

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Many times she would have just finished the washing up and was glad to sit down again when he'd call out for a sandwich or some kind of a snack. Having just seen her sit down and look completely exhausted, I'd ally myself with her and call out to him that he should get it himself since he was closer to the kitchen than mum was. He'd yell something back disliking my attitude towards him not getting what he wanted from mum and mum would intervene telling him it was fine and she'd get up again to make something for him. It frustrated me endlessly that she was treated like a personal slave and she never stood up for herself even though it tired her out. On occasion if I was standing in the kitchen when a request was made for a snack, mum would ask if I could make something for him but I'd counter saying that he was more than capable of making food for himself (he was a teenager at the time) and I didn't know how to make whatever it was that he wanted and preferred the way that she made it anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brother dearly and this isn't to slam him or his treatment of mum, I've heard from lots of mothers that boys prefer to let their mothers do the work for them whereas girls tend to do it themselves, or something along those lines.

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More recently though (6ish years ago) I had a boss from a Middle Eastern background who had certain expectations that because I'm a female I'd wait on him like his wife and other females in his life did. He came into work one morning when I was doing an invoice or whatever I had on my to do list and he made a point of saying that I hadn't asked him if he wanted a cup of tea that morning. I just looked at him blankly. No male, hell, no one had ever said that to me. My brother didn't drink tea or coffee and my dad either made it himself or mum made one for him if she was having one. Sometimes I'd offer, but no one had ever commented that I'd hadn't gone out of my way to ask if they wanted one. Nevertheless, my boss made himself one and sat opposite me drinking it and glimpsing at me every now and again almost as if to say 'nevermind, I made one myself!'.

I remember getting home from work after that and telling my dad about it, he was amused when I exclaimed that if my boss had two legs and beating heart, there was no reason why he couldn't make one himself. Maybe he thought it was in my job description that I'd automatically make one for him even though I'd never done so unless he'd specifically asked for one, in that case it was just another task for my to do list.

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A friend of a friend posted a Tweet screenshot about a year ago on Facebook which was sent by a guy getting up in arms about feminism and declaring that he didn't want a bar of it. I commented underneath saying that I read it as some guy who was insecure in his masculinity and wanted to blame it on women when it was really his problem to deal with.

If a guy can't handle a strong woman who knows what she wants and won't settle for less, then he doesn't deserve her.

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By the same token, my view on feminism extends towards males as well. I think a guy should also feel comfortable in his skin, clothes and life without shame or prejudice. As Emma said in her speech, guys not being allowed to show their feelings made her realise that she was a feminist.

I believe that if a woman is being belittled or mistreated in any way by a man, or even a woman, she should be able to know her worth, stand up and walk away. The same thing goes for a guy. I keep picturing all the tacky material girls who end up with the loveliest guys and treat them like a means to their own ends and the guys just putting up with it because they don't think they deserve better.

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If a guy wants to cry then dammit he should let the tears fall, no shame in that. If he wants to pick a girl flowers or write her a poem instead of spending half a paycheck on fancy jewelry and a 3 course dinner, then let the man be!

If feminism means equality for all, guys feel their feels with no shame, girls feel confident with no blame, then feminist is I!

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Equal Rights are Equal...Right?!

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One of the subjects I'm doing this semester at uni is Foundations in Gender Studies. Thus far it has been the most interesting and passion-inducing subject I've done in my degree.

Although my major is Philosophy and the unit I did last year on Mind, Meaning and Metaphysics was right up my alley, there's a whole new level of interest when it comes to things like women's rights and equality.

During the last tutorial, one of the girls in my class brought up a point which she'd heard from someone else saying that equal rights could never really be equal because men and women suffer from things that the other doesn't have to deal with.

It doesn't matter what side of the fence you're on when it comes to rights, you can't really argue with that logic.

I'm very passionate about women's rights, although not in the same league as some of the women I've read about or seen in the movies and clips that are shown in the lectures. I think and believe that a woman's body is her own to do with as she pleases. The idea of someone else, namely a male dictating what a woman should or shouldn't do with her body is baffling and potentially sickening.

Why should a man get to decide what a woman does? He's not her and she's not him. I mean it's fair enough if you're in a couple and one person's decision affects the other, but if it's something that really doesn't, then it's just about control and that's not healthy.

We discussed the topic of abortion given that it's the week's theme and also a controversial subject in itself and the tutor asked everyone for their input about it.

Personally, I'm pro-choice. I think if a woman falls pregnant and isn't ready to or just doesn't want to have a child, it's her call as to how she proceeds. As someone whose life was controlled by a lot of different people and left to feel helpless and suffocated, the last thing I'd want for a pregnant woman is to be in that position.

One of the points that was mentioned a few times during the class was that no one WANTS to have an abortion. Aside from the painful side effects, you are ending a life even if it's not with form or feeling yet. I can't think of any person who thinks on that kind of experience with happiness. In a lot of cases that I've heard of, it's because of economic issues, the mother's health is at risk, or they just don't think they're a capable parent. When you put all the reasons together, not that they should ever need one or have to justify their decision to anyone, but would you rather than have an ill mother with no money and resentment towards a child attempting to raise one which then puts more pressure on the government systems already in place, or would you prefer that she do what she feels is the best thing for herself, and terminate?

Another point that was mentioned was, what if the foetus that was terminated was going to be someone great, a famous composer or scientist? I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason and when the time is right, so if a terminated foetus was going to be something great, either it won't be able to be terminated, or it will be born at a better time.

I think the biggest issue when it comes to abortion is the lack of comprehensive sexual health education. I speak from my own experience when I say this. Mine was completely baffling and I learnt more from talking about it with friends and reading or watching things than I ever did at school. To be fair, my school was also strict and religious. I get the impression that the only reason we were given any kind of sexual education at all is because it's part of the curriculum.

The more young people know about sex and the consequences, the better prepared they are to make decisions for themselves and their futures.

Of course it was mentioned that surprisingly there's more older women going to get an abortion than there is teenagers.

Admittedly when it comes to other issues such as equal pay for equal work, I haven't been in an environment where I've been affected by it so much.

I'm also not terribly well versed on men's rights given that they've always had the upper hand in almost everything so the focus has been put on fight for the females.

When it comes to things like domestic violence, I think it's incredibly important for anyone who's been a victim to come forward, as hard and scary as it is to do so.

Just because there's so much more emphasis on women doesn't mean that we don't care about men. That's equal, right?!

A Woman's Way

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I hate society's attitude towards women. I hate the way society treats women. It's like they're simply baby-making objects or excellent marketing focuses and nothing more.

As a woman, I would like to be able to dress in a way that makes me feel comfortable and maybe even a little daring. I don't want to always feel like I need to cover up in an attempt to be modest and so males don't think I'm 'asking for it'.

But seriously, who asks to be assaulted?! It is without a doubt the lamest excuse I've ever heard!

A friend of mine recently posted a status on Facebook about the lack of clothing a woman is wearing and how it makes her a target. While I can understand what she means, this is merely highlighting the problem with society. A male then commented saying that he agreed but the less she wore the more 'fair game' she was. I commented after him with my disgust saying that it doesn't matter how much or little a woman is wearing, unless she is fully sober, consenting and 100% aware of what is to occur, she's off limits. There is no excuse otherwise.

If a woman chooses to walk around naked, that's her prerogative. That is not, by any stretch of the imagination, an invitation for sexual assault. If a man is aroused by seeing a naked woman, that's his problem, not hers.

Another friend posted a similar comment to which I responded saying how I hated that a woman alone in public seems to translate to 'hit on me'. If a woman is alone in public, leave her be! It doesn't seem to occur to men that maybe women enjoy being out, dressed all fancy and indulging in their own company. It's one thing to casually chat to someone at a singles bar, but if a woman has put herself in a position where she and her body language is indicating that she doesn't want to be disturbed pending an emergency, that's what she wants. It's not an opportunity for men to interrupt her evening in order to satisfy their ego.

The men I refer to here are the sleezy ones, the ones that are predatorial and won't take no for an answer. If, of course, you engage in civilized conversation with a woman who has prepared herself for an enjoyable solo evening on the town and she wishes to converse with you, great! If not, stop forcing yourself on her and talking to her until she responds. If she's not interested, let it go and move on!

I wanted to make plans to have a girls night out at a classy bar not too long ago and wanted to by a nice outfit for the occasion. Something that would show off my womanly curves because I don't want to feel like I should A) hide them or B) be ashamed to have them. The more I thought about it, the more it made me want to stay home instead because in my experiences with nightlife, any dressed up girl with invoke inappropriate behavior from males which they can somehow deem acceptable.

I was talking about this with a close friend a few nights ago as she was detailing having dinner by herself in the city whilst waiting for her boyfriend to finish work and she was wearing a low-cut top and feel incredibly uncomfortable by a guy sitting across from her and leering at her. I completely sympathized with her frustration. A woman should never be made to feel uncomfortable for wearing something that makes her feel comfortable, nor should she ever be made to feel ashamed for essentially being a woman and having womanly attributes regardless of how aesthetically pleasing they are to men.

On another somewhat relevant note, the same thing goes for abortions. If a woman isn't ready to have a child regardless of how she got pregnant, if she doesn't want to keep the child for whatever reason, that's her choice.

For the people that say 'it's her fault, she got herself pregnant', I'm not entirely sure how that's possible. It takes 2 people to create a baby, she was one, and the idiot denying responsibility for ejaculating into her would be the other. Women are not asexual, therefore they cannot reproduce with themselves which makes the aforesaid statement impossible.

If a woman, or even a couple finds themselves pregnant but aren't financially stable or maybe they just don't want kids, that is entirely their right to terminate without judgement from 3rd parties whose business it has nothing to do with.

So many societies and cultures around the world seem to be denying women so many basic rights as if they're nothing more than objects or commodities. Women are human beings that should be respected and treated as such.

Society needs to sort out it's priorities. Men need to stop thinking with their genitals.

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