Friday 17 February 2017

When Change is a Little Bit More Than a Holiday

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So it's been a while since my last post, primarily because I've been swamped with uni work and just completely exhausted the time I come to flesh out a new idea I want to write about.

Now we're halfway through February of 2017 and there's a sense of change that's coming up for me, both a feeling of who I am as a person, as well as my external environment. I'm shifting things up a bit.

I've decided, and agreed with my boss, that I'll be finishing up my current position at the end of the year. October will mark my 6th anniversary in the company and I daresay it's time for a change.

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I've also decided I want to go down the self-employment route so I can do what I really love and get paid for it. After all, isn't that the ultimate employment dream...?!

But in all seriousness, my heart just isn't in it anymore. I guess it never really was, but I made it work because I needed a job and there were things that I needed to experience and learn that only the people I've worked with and the things I've done during that time have allowed me to glean from.

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I told my boss the other day that I just needed some time off to collect myself and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I'd pretty much just been dividing my time between work and uni for most of last year, so when I finished the semester, I was completely buggered. In fact, I'd been pushing myself so hard to keep up with everything that by the time week 11 of 13 came along, I was burnt out.

After completing everything study-wise, I just spent more time at work to get in extra money before the Christmas period and because my boss wanted to utilize the extra time I now had available to me and by extension him.

The Christmas period was all about running around to make sure everything was perfect for Christmas Day. Being the second one since mum passed on and it being the holiday she usually over-prepared for, I saw it as my duty of being the only female in the family, to step up and try to emulate what she'd done for most of my life. Needless to say, it was exhausting and disappointing in the end, but at least I acknowledged where I'd gone wrong: I was trying to make up for her not being there by trying to overdo everything and block out the emotions I felt so intensely. Lesson learnt for next year.

After Christmas came the preparations for the cruise dad and I were going on (my brother had to work across the 10 day period and wanted to save up his holidays for an overseas trip next month).

Having never been on a cruise before, I didn't really know what to expect or what to pack and whether I'd have enough of whatever I took on board and since I wasn't sure what the shops were like, I didn't want to leave anything to chance.

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Upon return from the cruise, I had been crash-tackled with the flu (thanks dad!) and spent what was meant to be the first week back at work for the year, sleeping the contagion off at dad's place and intermittently enjoying the sibling time I had while my brother was home and not preoccupied with his fancy hi-tech computer setup, or the latest phone he had.

Being back at work for the past month or so, I've really started to think about what it is that I want from life and work.

I started making candles at the end of last year in order to reignite the creative spark and have since become hooked on it, so I'm toying with the idea of turning that into a business and combining it with my love of writing and helping people.

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I've also entertained the thought of getting my own place. Don't get me wrong, I currently live in a great home, it has everything I could possibly want and need, my cousin is an ideal housemate in that we can easily be independent or enjoy outings together, but don't typically cramp each other's styles and there's a general lack of judgement between us. If I do or order something absurd, she'll acknowledge my comment and congratulate me on whatever it is, and continue on her way. If she gets completely drunk at dinner and gets home in the early hours of the next morning, I just make sure I see or hear from her within 24 hours from that moment.

Some other things that are changing include my belief systems around a lot of things. I've been seeing a new therapist for the past 3 or 4 weeks now and have taken a break from my existing one to see how I cope without her for the foreseeable future.

It's been fun and challenging to branch out and try different things which I'd been curious yet fearful about in the past.

It's also interesting to see what happens when you make change a little bit more than a holiday.

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