The Pursuit of Happiness

(Photo credit to www.southvalleychurch.com.au)

Are you one of those people who buys countless amounts of crap they really don't need but are somehow able to justify it to themselves in order to achieve instant gratification?

I'm currently going through something like that at the moment from what I've noticed.

I've been shopping a few times and left with a lighter credit card, heavier hands and more cluttered living space. Sure I can justify it in a way that all the craft stuff I've bought will make me happy when I get around to using it, and I think that's fairly legit. The same with the books I've bought/ordered despite having an almost overflowing bookcase and being a few pages into about 7 different books at present.

I told a close friend the other day when I got an email from Dymocks saying I'd accumulated enough points to get a discount or something about a missed birthday, either way I had a couple of bucks to put towards another book or two which had to be used up by the end of July. The friend jokingly asked me if there were any books left for me to buy/read. I told her I was banning myself from buying more books until I'd read AT LEAST one of the one's I'd purchased recently.

Skipping ahead a few days and 4 books later, that really didn't stick. Although to be fair to myself, I'm spending money on books, not something meaningless or crappy that will fade after a while. I've essentially purchased a whole bunch of different worlds and headspaces that I can get lost in as soon as the mood strikes. That's definitely worth the investment!

More importantly, I know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I feel sad, really really crappy as one does when experiencing grief and adjusting to the loss of someone close to them. I have this giant gaping void in my heart/soul where the crux of my mother's love used to be. Now that she's gone, I have this huge chunk of something missing from me and I'm trying to do whatever I can to fill it or not focus on it. Some methods aren't as helpful as others, but admittedly at least I'm doing better than I think a lot of others would be in the same situation, that's something I need to give myself credit for but sadly don't.

(Photo credit to www.thethingswesay.com)

I told my therapist over the last few sessions I've had that in order to cope with everything that's happening including my grief and the crapload of emotions that come with it, I'm filling the gaping hole with 'junk' until I have enough strength to return to myself again and do or focus on things that actually benefit me for the better.

I've been obsessively stalking people on Instagram even if they don't update anything for ages, I'll still go through all of their pictures until I feel better or find something else more interesting to do. At times it's not even about the person/s, it's just about not thinking about my life or my feelings for a few moments at a time. After a while it's become a habit or an addiction which I'm not exactly unfamiliar with. I know it will pass though because it has before. The last time I just wasn't ready or in a position to be able to deal with the underlying cause. This time it's more that the process is so much longer, bigger and more mind-warpingly personal than before, so I feel like I need a 'fix' to get through even if it's of nothing.

(Photo credit to www.tinybuddha.com)

It's not that I don't want to feel better, because I'd love to. I know people don't actively choose to feel like shit about themselves or their lives if they find a way not to, but it depends on your personal strength. I told my therapist last session that I'm just tired, completely exhausted and drained. I give myself a 'get out of jail free card' to do whatever I need to in order to get through this incredibly trying time. I'm not the same person I was before who didn't have something else to focus on, I just need a time out to not deal with my own life, a sort of 'pick-me-up' if you will. It's not going backwards, it's going sideways or sitting out until I have the energy to move forward and despite my subscriptions to Claire Baker, Gala Darling (whom I absolutely LOVE), Melissa Ambrosini, just to name a few. Each email I get from them does make me happy, especially if I'm in a relatively positive mood. If I'm not, then I just file them under 'to look at later'.

I can remember one time in my life so far that I've have been beyond ecstatic with my life and everything I had going for me. It was last year, when I was a few weeks into my second semester at uni and leading up to my 25th birthday. I was studying a few different things which absolutely fascinated me, my job was going well, I was getting along with my family, I'd developed some truly amazing friendships which I valued dearly. There was nothing in my life that I would change if I had the chance. I even stopped going on Facebook because I just didn't care enough to get embroiled in other people's dramas or feel the need to have myself validated by other people and count the number of 'likes' anything I posted got. If I liked it, that was enough for me. Who cares what anyone else thought!

(Photo credit to www.zitaben.hol.es)

I know with time that I can get back to that place and even drastically improve on it. But like most things in life, it will take time, even more so with the grieving process.

In the meantime I'm trying to curb my spending to things that I actually need or that aren't completely meaningless. If I really don't need another 3 hoodies even though they're $5 and look pretty awesome, I'll refrain from buying them (with extreme effort mind you). If I've already downloaded an album, I really don't need to spend another $20-30 on the physical copy of it. The same goes for a movie or TV series.

The same thing goes for luxury items. A big fancy house, an even fancier car, a boat, designer this and that. Whenever I see someone driving an expensive car (in my experience, 8/10 fancy car drivers are pretentious assholes who think they're better than everyone else), I wonder if they drive it to make themselves feel important, to impress other people, or if it was really just a childhood dream to own one and have spent their lives saving up for it.

(Photo credit to www.impfashion.com)

It's like the quote which has been said allegedly by Will Smith. "So many people buy things that they don't need, with money they don't have, to impress people they don't like".

Everyone deserves happiness whether they believe it or not. I don't think it lies in a physical object or the acquisition of one. As soon as you buy something you feel happy for a moment, then the chemical reaction dies off and you want more.

Sadly though, we live in a very materialistic world *cough* Kardashians *cough*, where the main message is to sell, sell, sell and buy, buy, buy because we apparently NEED an item which a rational person would look at think it was completely useless. I remember listening to the 3pm Pickup radio show with Chrissie Swan and Jane Hall I think. Chrissie was talking about informercials and how at the start of them she always thought the product was completely ridiculous and wondered why anyone would possibly by it, but by the end of it you were convinced that you couldn't possibly live without it.

Unfortunately though, people do spend ridiculous amounts of money on things for instant gratification and repeat the process when it wears off.

The pursuit of happiness is a never-ending one if you look for it in things rather than in yourself.

(Photo credit to www.essenceofliving.com.au)

For Those Who Are About To Rock...

(Photo credit to http://www.triplem.com.au/sydney/music/news/2014/8/line-up-tour-dates-soundwave-2015-festival-line-up-including-faith-no-more-soundgarden-slash/)

So yesterday was Soundwave and it EPIC!! Not just because it was my first festival ever, but the atmosphere and the location just made it that much better.

I'd been told horror stories by friend who'd been previous years and said how good it was although the location or weather didn't work in their favour.

This year was a fair sight better location-wise. The weather, as per usual, seemed to do it's own thing and everyone struggled to keep up.

There were several stages all spread out with toilets, cafes and food places in between as well as enough shelter and space for people to take a few moments to collect themselves between shows.

I went purely to see Papa Roach who I've been a fan of more so since their second last album 'The Connection', but still love 'Scars' and 'Last Resort'. The friends I went with were more keen for All Time Low, who unfortunately had to cut their set short after only 3 songs when the rain decided to party hard and apparently damaged their equipment. They were unable to stay on so fans just took what they could.

We also saw Tonight Alive, briefly checked out Mayhem, Escape The Fate, Of Mice and Men, and hung around for the finale of Fall Out Boy. From my position in the stands as I ate lunch I was able to admire the crowd that Marilyn Manson pulled in. Some of my friends had been fans of his from back in the day but said they didn't like the direction his music had taken and recommended not checking him out. I was curious and indifferent. Those same friends had told me to check out Apocalyptica, sadly I didn't arrive in time to do so.

I must say, the overall energy of the day was pretty amazing. It was very much 'let your freak flag fly!' and even though I felt slightly self-conscious at the start for wearing fairly short shorts even though the weather was definitely insisting I did, when I got there and found more than a few people wondering around half naked, I knew I was in my element.

I love how inhibited people are at concerts, well for the most part. You're there to be entertained and let yourself be so.

(Photo credit to https://www.pinterest.com/houseofblues/live-breathe-music/)

When we got into the mosh pit for Tonight Alive I was slightly terrified at the idea of being squashed to death given I'm just under 5ft tall. It was all good though. I got some great shots of lead singer Jenna, who I have new-found respect for, and got to bounce and fist bump with the rest of the crowd.

I was more than a little excited for Papa Roach though, but at the same time I was torn between getting closer to the stage for some decent shots, or hanging back and not risking certain death.

The worst part was having what has been dubbed as a 'human giraffe', you know those really tall people who sit or stand in front of you and completely obscured your view of the awesomeness. I had more than my fair share of them blocking my camera so a few shots were of their heads instead of the band. Damn them!

Having said that though, I didn't fork out a decent bit of moolah to not get the most out of the day. I was surrounded by people that loved and connected to the songs that I loved and connected with. I shamefully hadn't gotten around to purchasing their new album but made mental note to do so as soon as my bank balance and I had recovered. I totally forgot that there would be merch when I got there so suffice to say I'm feeling a little poor right now.

Halfway through their set it started raining pretty hard. Given that it was like a sauna around midday, I didn't think it would be necessary to bring an umbrella or anything more than a really light jacket which could also double as a blanket of sorts, given its length. This was hardly a deterrent though.

When they finished their set and we realized there wasn't time for them to do an encore unlike at solo shows when more often than not the artist will indulge their super awesome fans, I went in search of my friends and we wandered around the stalls that were strategically setup outside the main arena where most of our favorite bands had been playing.

We had a few hours to kill before Fall Out Boy, which one of my friend's all-time favorites and a definite must-see, so we just sat around in the entrance dome for a bit until we could must the energy to get up again, or when a friend of the friend's came along to say hello and wanted to check out another band.

By the time Of Mice and Men started, which I might add weren't what I expected. To be fair I'd only ever heard or read their name in various publications but had the idea that they were more Mumford and Sons rather than screamo or whatever specific genre they fall under. They weren't really what I was there for so I just sat against the fence and hung out for a bit until FOB came on.

As I've made mention to, I'm not terribly tall by a long shot, so when I'm at a concert I prefer elevated seating over standing so I have some kind of an advantage. When you hang back a bit so you don't get squashed by the raging mosh pitters, you don't get a very good view of the stage, but you do get to keep a few extra lives.

In a discussion with one of my friends prior to attending the festival, we were saying how everyone seems to love Pete Wentz because he's quite possibly the most attractive one in the band. So naturally I spent most of their gig when I didn't know the songs, trying to spot him out from the distance between me and the stage.

I mistakenly thought he was the other guitarist who wasn't clean-shaven and had floppy and fluffy hair and spent a fair part of my time wondering what happened the this supposed Pete Wentz dude.

Only when the crowd started screaming louder when the other guitarist came over did I realize that the bottle-blonde sleeveless and tattoo'd guy was the real Pete Wentz. I was not disappointed, only surprised at not recognizing him, but then again I'm not a hardcore fan so it didn't really matter all that much.

After that, I also realized that he was the one doing most of the talking or intros for the songs. Again, not disappointed, just surprised, I don't think I'd ever heard his voice before. Clearly I'm a dedicated fan.

At the end of the day, or rather night, I hadn't been that exhausted since my 21st birthday which had taken myself and my parents approx. 3 days to recover from.

Luckily I don't live too far from the location so once I got to the station It only took about half an hour or so, including a 20min wait at the middle station, before I was back home and struggling to stay awake.

Since I had uni the next day, I decided the prepare my lunch even though I could barely see straight and was more than glad when I got to crash into bed afterwards. Mind you, I was so overtired that I had to wind myself back down to tired before I could actually sleep.

The day after was still a struggle given that it was a full day of classes. I was determined to get through them because not going when I'd made the choice to attend a full on concert the day before seemed irresponsible. If I'd woken up feeling shockingly ill, that would have been another story.

I checked in with one of my friends to see how she was faring since she had work on. She told me both her and the other girl were slightly nauseated with headaches but were pushing ahead to get through the day.

Sheer exhaustion aside, it was definitely worth it. I got a Soundwave tshirt to prove I actually went, a couple of decent photos, and some pretty awesome memories. Nothing compares to belting out meaningful songs with a bunch of people who love them as much as you do, as well as being able to feel the music or the beat running straight through you. You're doing music right!

For those who are about to rock, who have rocked and will forever rock, we salute you and your epic level of awesomeness!

(Photo credit to http://adventofdeception.com/occult-control-music-industry/)