Friday 13 February 2015

What Is Life?!

Do you ever have those moments where you stop and ask yourself 'what am I doing with my life?'?

They usually happen after you see something epic and mind-changing that makes you rethink or re-evaluate what you've done so far with your life and where your heading. Or it's because you've seen/found/run into someone you used to know and can't help comparing your life to theirs, however unhealthy it is.

The whole time I was going through high school I felt like I was being left behind, forgotten, ignored. I convinced myself that it was more to do with chosen life path and what I'm meant to be doing with my life even if I don't feel like I've exactly found that yet. It's the closest and most comforting truth that I've found for myself.

As I mentioned in an earlier blog post or two, so many of the people I went to school with are settling down with a somewhat successful career. Meanwhile I'm working, studying and figuring out what the hell is going on with my non-existent love life. Not that it matters all that much...really.

I'm 25, I've never dated anyone although I have a consistent track record of unrequited loves which is thankfully lessening out now that I've created the best kind of life that I want for myself, and the more people I find out are either married or getting there, the less appealing I find the concept.

After discovering a little too late that a guy from school I'd never considered but knew I possibly could have had feelings for, got married, and more recently a guy that I used to work with and had strong feelings for got engaged to his long-term girlfriend, I'm really starting to feel bitter towards marriage. As stupid as it sounds.

I was discussing marriage with some friends of mine, all of whom have different ideas on it. One of them is engaged but is incredibly casual about it and believes as I'm inclined to also, that getting married in your early-mid 20's is so young. Another friend is incredibly happy in her relationship and said that she would quite easily get married tomorrow because she knows nothing would change. The third friend, or rather my cousin, considers settling down with kids in the suburbs her greatest nightmare.

As much as I feel disappointment and discontent over so many people getting married, part of me wonders where exactly my life is heading, what the overall plan is for it.

I started believing in fate when I was 16 and met some ridiculously awesome people. Everything that happened because of meeting those people didn't feel coincidental, it felt like it was meant to be, and so I let it be.

Whenever I've spoken to psychics and spiritual friends, or even done my own tarot cards, they've all told me I'm meant to be a spiritual teacher or healer. Given what I've been through in my life and where I'm at now, I'm kind of inclined to agree with them. I can't see what else would explain my particular life path. Although I can just hear my therapist's voice telling me that everyone's life is different and it's not as uncommon as I or anyone else thinks for people to endure so much whilst missing out on various opportunities only for things to work out completely differently for them.

Of course everyone likes to think they're special, that they have a unique purpose in the world, or in this life and they're not just bumming along for no good reason.

While I do consider myself incredibly blessed for some of the experiences I've had in my life so far, I also feel more than a little cursed and I'll even through 'let down' into the mix. I didn't get to be a normal teenager. I didn't get to out and a socialize unless it was with church people who I wasn't overly fond of. My suffocatingly overprotective parents (more so my father) wouldn't even dare to think of letting me date anyone which explains the continued stream of unrequited loves.

My life didn't start to feel anywhere near normal until I moved out of home. It was into an all-female share-house near the city and about an hour train ride from the place I'd spent my teen years.
Once I got my bearings sorted and realized that it was really and truly up to me to make life happen, I was up and running.

In an effort to shake off the growing feelings for a coworker, I threw myself into online dating and speed dating alike. A close friend of mine since childhood told me it was a good idea especially if I wasn't comfortable around guys in person as yet. So I tried them both out. After 3 or 4 rounds of speed dating I decided to leave it, I'd made decent friends with some of the girls who I sat with, but it seemed a little too desperate for my liking.

I did the online dating thing for a year and a half. I've made a really great friend through it which probably isn't the point, but I think it's what I was meant to get from it.

Towards the end of my subscription when I realized I wasn't getting that much out of it and the fact I was paying more than my phone bill for it, I decided to call it quits. I'd met up with a nice enough guy for coffee and realized just how unprepared for dating I was. He'd had at least one long-term relationship under his belt and I was still trying to feel comfortable in the presence of a guy.

I also rationalized that whatever I felt within myself wasn't really to do with having a guy or romance in my life. That empty feeling I had was all me, and when I looked at myself honestly, I knew that wouldn't change by bringing a guy or even a girl into the mix, I'd still be searching for whatever it was I didn't have.

I saw a post recently on Facebook which I shared because I thought it was important. It talked about how being single isn't a bad thing, especially when it means you're not compromising yourself for the sake of someone else. I posted a comment with it indicating how accurate it was from my perspective.

A friend of mine then tagged me in the same post which she shared on her profile saying how much she appreciated my wisdom and told me to never stop being me. That was the validation I needed for me to know that I'm doing something right and well with my life. Yes it still niggles at me a little when I hear what other people I know or used to know are doing and mentally compare myself to them even though I know it's stupid and pointless to do so, but I know by how I feel about myself and my life as well as the direction that I'm going that I'm onto the best thing there is for me to be doing.

If it was meant to be, it will be. I think that's what life is.

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