Sunday 10 May 2015

Nothing... I'm just tired.

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How many times have you said that to someone whenever they've asked what's wrong?

I've read some of the same quotes over and over again saying that sometimes saying 'I'm tired' is the easiest explanation to give to someone. In some cases it's also the truest.

While it may not always be referring to being physically tired, may you're just tired of life, tired of things that keep happening and you don't know why or how to stop them, tired of the same old routine, tired of telling yourself that you're okay when you know deep down that you're not. Just tired in general.

I heard dad say those words a lot when I was growing up. Being a carer to a woman who refused to acknowledge her mental illness is exhausting for anyone to deal with. I also think his suspected depression has a lot to do with it too.

I used to say it a lot to people as well. Mostly when I was at church related things and didn't particularly want to be around certain people, namely anyone that I didn't consider an ally of sorts. It was much easier than to explain any one of the bajillion things going on inside my head.

Most of the time I was tired. I loved and still do love sleep more than anything. I would often stay up ridiculously late the night before and regret it immensely the next day as I'm sure a lot of people have done as well. For me, saying 'I'm tired' was the simplest explanation I could give from my own understanding of what I was thinking and feeling, but also something that I knew other people could understand as well. Being tired could mean anything, but everyone knows what being tired is and feels like in one context or another.

I remember in an episode of Will and Grace when Jack was talking about Will coming out as gay and he hesitated saying anything for fear of what his family and friends would say or think of him. Jack, the proud and flamboyantly gay best friend of Will kept trying to get him to admit to himself for starters. In the end all he said was 'aren't you tired?'. That was enough for Will to take the plunge.

I'm sure everyone has gone through times like that where they just keep plodding along because they're scared. Scared of change, scared of judgement and criticism, scared of the unknown.

Like a part in The Alchemist where the alchemist himself is talking to Santiago and says one of the biggest reasons people don't do things is because they're scared. People will laugh of them if they pursue a seemingly unattainable dream, they might lose the comfortable life they've created for themselves by choosing a sensible occupation that provides them a lifestyle they enjoy even if it means a part of them still yearns to do that ridiculously crazy thing they've always dreamed of doing, but just locked it away as a pipe dream and nothing more.

What is it that you're holding onto out of fear?

Like another saying I've heard goes, 'What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?'

If there were no consequences, what would you change or do differently in your life?

I must admit, as I'm sure you've already read or at least picked up on from my other posts, I tend to look fear directly in the eye and do whatever I really want to do anyway, especially when my gut instincts tell my I have no choice but to do. Those instincts have always been immovably strong for me and I've never felt bad after following them, well not that I can recall anyway.

Quite frankly it's exhausting trying to keep up with the flow, especially when you think you don't have a choice because that's the thing, you always do! People seem to forget that whenever hardships strike, but there's always a way out, whether it's right or wrong is for you to decide.

So let me ask you dear curious blog post reader, aren't you tired?

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