Thursday, 1 January 2015

Body Hate, Body Appreciate

Have you ever looked in the mirror and just thought "Ughh!! Where do I even start with this?".

I try not to have that much of a negative outlook on myself or my body since I know it does me no good and I've always figured if I'm not going to make an effort to change it then I've got no right to complain about it.

Whenever I've gone clothes shopping with my mother she would always and without fail criticize herself and her body saying how dreadful she looked and how she wanted to lose weight. She'd then try on an outfit and ask for my opinion to which I'd try to offer something positive and helpful to make up for her attitude, then she'd say the opposite of me and comment that when people saw her they thought she was fat.

I always inquired as to exactly how she knew that's what they thought since she thought psychics and mind-reading were absurd. She told me as she was telling herself that she just knew, and said it was enough certainty that she believed it, even if I threw her a questioning glance or two.

My attitude towards my own body remained steadily neutral throughout my developing years. I, like my mother, made mental commitments to lose weight but never followed through with them, or at least not enough for me to be happy. It's only really been over the past 2 years and moving into a share unit with my cousin who's much more sure of herself than I've ever been, that I've been able to start appreciating myself and my body for what it is.

I was thinking a few months back that I don't hate my body, in fact I'm quite fond of it because it's mine. It's a part of me that no one can take away and unlike the people and environment I grew up in, I know that my body, it's size or shape, has no bearing on the friendships and people I have in my life now. Having said that, I'm not terribly fond of the extra weight I've accumulated over the years, but with some good quality motivation and exercise and a bit of effort, that can be easily remedied. A negative attitude takes a bit more work I think.

The physical location I'm in now affords me more freedom and privacy than I've ever had in my life and it's completely invaluable. For the first time ever I feel comfortable walking around my room in next to nothing, sometimes it is nothing until I decide on the something to wear. I can easily look in the mirror at my body as it is and think it's not half bad. I have scars from the surgeries which I survived, I have moles or 'dots' on various parts of me which I can only assume are genetic, sure some things aren't as firm or toned as I'd like, but I can honestly and happily say that there is nothing wrong, because there really isn't.

It's an incredibly powerful and liberating thing to stand in front of a mirror and be as happy as you can be about what you see.

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